With a little help from my friends
Why is life so hard? Even easy lives with running water, husbands who don’t hit you and a fridge filled with salami are packed with almost unbelievable levels of everyday angst. And South African-style daily drama is not for sissies. In the last two weeks I have been held up at gunpoint and had a raptor swoop down out of the sky and carry off my beloved (and very aged) pet Chihuahua. You couldn’t make this stuff up.
In the face of such horror, I have retreated into comforting food-and-wine combinations as a key component of my survival strategy. Proust wrote, “Let us leave pretty women to men devoid of imagination”, but when in anxiety overload you’ll have neither energy nor enthusiasm for imagination. For the time being, I am leaving imaginative wineand- food walks on the wild side to those who live in less interesting times.
Of course there is a place for avantgarde eating and drinking, but right now I want tried-and-tested food-andwine matches that serve up a sense of serenity. Be honest, if a chef tells you that he has used a centrifuge to extract chlorophyll for some chimeric basil jelly concoction and is planning to pair it with the very latest in molecular mixology, doesn’t it increase the tension in your shoulder muscles? Don’t you long to be served something that your greatgrandmother would have recognised? Well, yes and no, because some of the truly timeless food-and-wine pairings are not posh nosh, but rather deliciously dodgy duos that we wouldn’t want to confess to in front of granny.
Wine-and-food matching is ultimately about complementing and contrasting weight, flavour intensity, taste and smell, and that can be done with equal (sometimes better) efficacy with junk food. So, what follows is a frighteningly frank gourmet guide to classic, comforting combinations in a glass, on a plate and, sometimes, in a Styrofoam takeaway box...
Champagne and caviar... or potato crisps
Anyone who ever sat through matric literature classes will remember the endless ennui of those languid heroines in 19th-century Russian novels who apparently existed entirely on caviar and Champagne. Well, I have come to the conclusion that those heroines were all faking it. How could they have been unhappy making their way through 800-odd pages accompanied by the full-bodied, bone-dry finish of a brut Champagne and the gloriously complex, oily, fishy and salty flavours of caviar? However cold or consumptive they claimed to be, anyone on such a diet must surely feel fabulous.
Caviar has twice the nutritional power punch of most meats and is super-rich in selenium, which is known to combat anxiety and depression, so it seems unlikely that these girlies were as gloomy as they claimed to be. Plus, researchers at Reading University in England have recently shown that Champagne is packed with polyphenols (the plant chemicals thought to boost levels of nitric oxide in the blood, which in turn widens blood vessels). The good news for those of us on the Southern Tip of Africa is that the Reading researchers report that the health benefits aren’t limited to the French stuff, but are also found in Cap Classique.
Of course the aforementioned novels were written in an age when caviar was so plentiful that it was often used as bait by fishermen. Modern caviar consumption is potentially much more anxiety inducing. Sturgeon (the caviar’s mummy) is now highly endangered, so it is essential to go to a responsible and ethical supplier in order to be able to relax while you eat. The wonderful Di Botha (tel 021 794 2519; www.blackbookcaviar.co.za) cares about your mental health and the fishies’ survival. The only registered importer of caviar into South Africa, she has all three grades (Beluga, Oscietra and Sevruga) and all her products are sold in accordance with CITES regulations and have certified origin.
However delicious eco-epicurean caviar and brut bubbles may be, what this classic pairing actually tells us is that dry Champagne loves the whole fat and sodium thing. Which is why, in the absence of caviar, all manner of savoury junk-food gems will engender much the same effect. In the 1955 movie classic The Seven Year Itch, Marilyn Monroe (who is, of course, the itch referred to) asks her ridiculously randy neighbour, “Hey, did you ever try dunking a potato chip in Champagne? It’s real crazy.” Crazy, smazy, her pairing works perfectly.
Cabernet Sauvignon and steak au poivre... or a pepper steak pie from the garage
Admit it, there is nothing nicer than a man-sized, artery-clogging steak, slathered with the ultimate of cream- and Cognac-laden retro-chic sauces. The proteins in the steak and the butter (in which it is seared) soften the potentially hard tannins of the Cabernet, drawing out the wine’s fruit flavours. The tannins in turn provide a structure within which the punchy pepper corns and intense bloodiness of a steak can shine. Yum with a capital Y.
If the idea of washing up the pan post-steak au poivre fills you with anticipatory bitterness, why not give yourself permission to pair your Cab with a pepper steak pie from the petrol station convenience store? Nasty but nice. You will find there is something surprisingly soothing about the envelope, loaded with flaky yet sweaty Pastrex (the vegetable fat that shop-bought puff pastry is almost invariably made with), containing highly seasoned unmentionable beef bits that will mute tough tannins and troubled minds to perfection. Maybe don’t confess to your foodie friends...
Pinot Noir and salmon... or Nik Naks
Who doesn’t love fresh salmon, seared in a hot-hot pan? The oils in the skin caramelise into a cracklingly crisp, sweet taste-and-texture sensation that gives way to an almost pornographically generous melting flesh. Paired with a young, light, fruity Pinot Noir, this two-tone pink perfection offers classic combination heaven. The medium weight of the wine and the fish match flawlessly. The interplay between the salmon’s richness and the fine edge of the wine’s acidity is ideal. The latter cuts the potential for greasy mouthfeel in the former.
Of course a buttery Chardonnay is an alternative timeless pairing for plain poached or roasted salmon, but Pinot Noir contains significantly higher amounts of the anti-ageing compound resveratrol, so it will be inherently less stressful to drink. Plus scientists at the Massachusetts General Hospital have discovered that, like Prozac, the omega 3 fatty acids found in salmon elevate dopamine and serotonin levels in the brain, so you will perk up considerably with such a food-and-wine combination. Spear a chunk of salmon, raise the Pinot Noir to your lips and feel the tension in your shoulders spontaneously subside.
Want to feel your shoulders really release tension? Set yourself up on the sofa with the DVD box set of Sex and the City Season 3 and use Pinot Noir as a chaser for a family-sized bag of Nik Naks. Pinot Noir has just enough acidity to cut through the richer, more jaw-gluing aspects of the lusciously lurid orange corn chip’s cheesy chew. The red berry flavours and floral aromas add an otherwise absent sophistication to the situation.
A word to the wise: sharing a packet of Nik Naks is never, ever relaxing. Even if you try to make nice, all involved will end up feeling short-changed. When attempting the Nik Nak/Pinot pairing à deux, rather hollow out a half-loaf of bread bunny-chow style, fill the cavity with Nik Naks, replace the bread top, wrap your chip-and-dough delight in newspaper and sit on the parcel until it is completely flat. The result can then be shared by ripping off equitable chunks of mashed chip flat bread, which are marvellous when moistened with Pinot Noir.
Gewürztraminer and chicken curry... or KFC
We all know that Gewürztraminer’s spicy, floral, tropical-fruit aromas and flavours make it an ideal partner for Chinese, Indian and Thai-style dishes. The wine’s light sweetness cuts through the heat of the spice, while the firm acidity helps to balance the richness of the oil or clarified butter base of many such dishes. There is nothing nicer than a gorgeous Gewürzt as an accompaniment to the tantalising tingle of toasted cumin, garam masala, yog hurt and lime juice in a chicken tikka. But chicken tikka has to marinate overnight. When you need culinary comfort, you need it now, not tomorrow. Even if you buy in your chicken tikka, most Indian restaurants and takeaways close at about 23.00. The good news is that KFC operates 24-hour drive-throughs, so they are always open in your hour of need. Original Recipe Chicken says on the box that the Colonel has mixed up 11 herbs and spices for the crust of his fried fowl. His Southern, spicy, fatty fowl is an ideal match for Gewürztraminer. The wine works well with the Zinger burger box too. Do make sure thatyou eat it hot. Curiously, KFC is great straight from the drive-through and utterly awful when cold and congealed. No amount of good Gewürtz can save soggy KFC.
Sauvignon Blanc and goat’s cheese... or amasi curds
Posh nosh types the world over love the ways in which the vivid, fruity yet herbal flavours and vibrant acidity of Sauvignon Blanc cut through the rich, redolent, tangy yet creamy goat’s-milk cheese. Ja, well, no fine. A strikingly similar effect can be got from pairing the wine with amasi curds (known as ingqaka in isiXhosa). This local-is-lekker fresh cheese is made, much as you would make Italian ricotta, by separating out and discarding the whey (inthoya). The absolutely yummiest thing ever, ever, ever is to top crumbly pap (umphokoqo) with a dollop of ingqaka and a generous handful of crispy bacon, and consume it with a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
CLASSIC COMBINATION CONUNDRUMS
We all know that an artichoke is the enfant terrible of posh-nosh pairing but, for me, Little Devil Sherbet Sweets are my food-and- wine Waterloo. You know the ones I mean – the packet lists the ingredients as sugar, citric acid and bicarbonate of soda, they turn your tongue bright blue andthey go whiz, bang, pop in your mouth. Try as I might, I do not know what will best bring out their inherently devilish deliciousness to perfection. Everything I try enhances the bicarb’s bitterness. What I do know is that life is too short to pretend that I don’t like junk food. And that it is de. nitely too short to drink wine only with socially acceptable food. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to be as happy as possible despite gun-toting robbers and pet-purloining birds of prey. Writing in a recent issue of Journal of Economic Literature, Harvard professors Frey and Stutzer argued that ‘human well-being can be modelled in a micro econometric happiness function Wit = a + ßXit + eit’. My understanding is that this can basically be translated as: salted Simba chippies plus Cap Classique = smiley face.
Chardonnay and lobster... or microwave popcorn
Of course, a rich, buttery Chardonnay is the wine to serve with a rich, buttery lobster. The pair reinforce each other’s strengths. They share a creamy texture and intensity of flavour. There is also a nice Lennon and McCartney opposites attract thing going on. On his own, the lobster (aka Paul McCartney) is too obviously cutie-pie but add Lennon/Chardonnay’s potentially overly arch acidity and the palate-cleaning effect allows for a depth of underlying fl avour to shine through bothfood and wine.
Lobster is lovely but for those ‘God-give-me-a-drink-now!’ moments (which somehow never happen when you have a lobster to hand), buttery microwave popcorn and Chardonnay also have great affinity for each other. It’s not Lennon and McCartney but it will definitely do in a crisis.
