Are you a diner from hell? Read this to check

Are South Africans agreeable diners or do we have unrealistic expectations? Kim Maxwell opens the floor to local restaurateurs.

Restaurant annoyances

Thanks to international travel and rediscovered local produce, South Africans are privileged to have a plethora of excellent dining options. A handful of chefs rank with the world's best and our top restaurants receive regular back-pats from international foodie peers.

Yet, when it comes to customer expectations, we're quick to buy into an overseas restaurant experience but bemoan the poor service or perceived high prices at our neighbourhood dining table. We complain if our business dealings fall short - when somebody doesn't arrive on time or cancels an appointment in advance - but are taken aback if a restaurant owner balks at similar entrenched behaviour. How do we stack up according to local restaurateurs' perspectives?

Is the customer always king? Perhaps not.

Irishman Cormac Keane barked back in late 2009 when a cancelled booking at Cape Town's Portofino restaurant cost him in lost revenue and wages after he'd specially opened early (see associated article below). Reactions were divided about whether his volatile written outbursts to the customers in question were rude or partly justified. Keane subsequently sold Portofino in early 2010. Declining to comment at length, he did allude to the challenges of sustaining a viable restaurant business model. "People have the illusion that there is a lot of money in Cape Town. But restaurants are about discretionary spend, the first thing to go. The money just isn't there for restaurants. The majority of dining Capetonians want to eat pizza for R40, drink boxed wine and tap water," he quipped.

Adding up the costs of service

Service and staff training are a common cause of customer irritation and restaurateur frustration. Is a 10 or 15% service fee justifi ed if the food was brilliant, yet the service far from perfect? Restaurateur Pete Goffe-Wood opened Wild Woods Bistro in Hout Bay in 2010. He acknowledges that service is an ongoing local problem. "The average trainee waiter rarely eats out in a Wimpy, so it's hardly surprising they don't appreciate that an order for ‘blue' steak is not the same as ‘medium well'. It's difficult to get these guys to understand how it feels when somebody leans across a diner or clears plates too early." At a Wild Woods meal, I was given the option of fresh wine glasses for a new wine, but the positive experience was marred when dessert menus were proffered while two of our table of six were still eating main courses.

The solution is ongoing training, parrot fashion. "Once a week our guys come in early to go over wine lists, menu terminology, to understand what a vegan eats, practice clearing tables, or pour, open and recommend wine," says Goffe-Wood, adding that waiters need to earn - not merely expect - their tips. At Durban's The Aubergine Restaurant, Chris Black feels good service should be rewarded with a minimum 15% tip if staff go the extra mile. But Black advocates leaving no tip for a waiter "who is surly or smells of hastily-smoked cigarettes mid-service".

If you book, show up

Customer no-shows are a big restaurant gripe, and increasingly common among South African diners. Some groups cheekily reserve tables at two venues and choose their final destination en route. They'd do well to consider that 20 covers represents a break-even cost for a 60-seater restaurant in a tight, slow season. One Capetonian restaurateur had 60 confirmed reservations for a beer and wine evening. The day before nine people cancelled, then two tables of six and four respectively didn't pitch. Unused movie tickets aren't refunded, yet restaurants are expected to cover R1 000 to R1 200 in turnover losses from a table of four no-show.

Durban's The Aubergine suffered 117 cancellations or no shows during the first week of the World Cup. "When we contacted the no-shows, attitudes ranged from being indignant at being contacted, to outright lies to the effect of cancelled or delayed flights, to ‘we're not going to make it but we'll make it up to you' attitudes," recalls owner Chris Black. "I recently ate at El Celler de Can Roca in Girona. They phoned us three times in Spain, confirmed by email twice and took our credit card details in case. They were simply doing their job. If South Africa's better restaurants insisted on taking credit card details for larger tables, people would suddenly remember to let the restaurateur know the table for 14 is now nine, instead of mentioning it nonchalantly when they arrive." When plans change, cancel in advance so the waiting list can kick in.

Diners who don't respect booking times can unnerve a busy restaurant. "If you arrive late for a plane, you miss it. Yet people book at 19:00, turn up at 20:30, and then wonder why the best table is no longer available," says Goffe-Wood. "Arriving late throws the system out in a busy restaurant. The kitchen gets backed up and waiters are busier. So our service levels drop. Yet those latecomers are often the first to complain."

Keep your kids on a leash

Adults should rethink their sanctioning of inappropriate behaviour in upmarket restaurants. "Let us know in advance if you're bringing a lot of kids, and then keep them on a leash," pleads Graham Neilson of 9th Avenue Bistro & Bar in Durban. Otherwise try restaurants geared specifically to families. Nielson recalls a recent early dinner reservation for 12, no mention made of numerous five-yearolds. "We'd recently invested in framed prints commissioned by an artist. The kids knocked them off the wall three times before we asked them to stop. There wasn't an apology from the adults or any attempt to stop it. My question: do people think it's acceptable for their kids to behave differently in a restaurant to how they would at home?"

Do book a table in advance

Troyeville Hotel co-owner Laurence Jones often encounters stroppy guests who made no reservations, then lie and try to make it the restaurant's problem. Or they agree to the set-price buffet on booking, then insist on a prego roll on arrival. At the Joburg hotel's popular Sports Bar, Flamingo and Esplanada restaurants, this invariably happens on busy test days when there is time pressure to get diners fed before kick off .

Can I bring my own wine?

Bring-your-own (BYO) wine policy is a contentious issue. Smarter local venues take the trouble to collate creative lists and employ wine stewards to discourage BYO, yet many customers feel shortchanged if mark-ups approach 250 to 300%. Alan Pick of Sandton's The Butcher Shop & Grill says it's his right as a restaurateur to recoup his exorbitant rentals plus operational and labour costs through mark-ups on drinks. "BYO is the cancer of the South African wine industry, and shouldn't be allowed in South African restaurants. I can't make money on wine corkage if people bring their own wine," he says. "We work on established margins of four-to-one on food and three-to-one on wine. You can't BYO in restaurants in Europe - yet it's an economic reality South Africans haven't quite bought into."

The steakhouse also refuses to serve tap water, stating the policy on menus. Bottled Franschhoek mineral water sells at R38 per 750ml. "It has nothing to do with water, it's about depriving me of my sale. When you sit at my table, I'm entitled to sell you a product, whether that is red wine, Coca-Cola or anything else," defends Pick. "We work on an average per head (APH) based on our overheads. Out in the suburbs a lower rent and overheads means a lower APH." Pick doesn't buy the carbon footprint argument for diners rejecting bottled water, reminding that packaging is a factor of modern consumable products.

What about the waiters?

Waiters are inclined to deliver good service if treated with respect. Abusing staff verbally or throwing tantrums could result in somebody doctoring your soup. As Goffe-Wood reminds: "The mark of a good restaurant is consistency, and how quickly they rectify a problem. If you have a bad experience, say so at the time so they have an opportunity to sort it out." It's generally more effective than badmouthing a venue to 10 friends afterwards. Neilson adds his thoughts.

"Be nice, and we'll make sure you're taken care of. Some people can be aggressive in their determination to have special attention. They'll call ahead and warn us about service, or inform us they're bringing a guest who's eaten at Michelin-starred restaurants. We're going to try to give you a good experience anyway. And if you don't have one, it's not intentional."

5 STEPS TO EVICTION
British chef/restaurateur Marco Pierre White's five-step eviction process for irritating customers. An expanded version appeared in his book White Slave.

Step 1. The manager alerts Marco Pierre White about the irritating customers.
Step 2. The waiters are rounded up.
Step 3. On command the plates, glasses, cutlery are removed in about 15 seconds so only the tablecloth remains. Customers marvel at the fantastic service, thinking everything has been cleared for the next course.
Step 4. The manager swoops in, eagle-like, and removes the tablecloth. The customers are embarrassed.
Step 5. The customers leave humiliated. They are not asked to pay the bill.